Saturday, August 11, 2018

My Journey To An Agnostic

It all started in 1997 when I was in junior year (11th grade in high school). Okay. Let me tell you a little bit about my life when I was a very young boy.

My family is a very strong Christian family. My life was a bible-belt life. I’ve lived in the pre-internet world about 19 years of my life (1979 to 1998) The information about the world was very limited.

My mom bought a book called Conversations With God Part 1 published by Neale Donald Walsch. My mom showed me a book and I read it. For a 18 years old boy, it was very confused. It was about 20 years ago that I don’t remember all of this book, but part of the book. The book talks about there are no right or wrong. I was asking a question myself “What does ‘no right and wrong’ mean?” All of my childhood and a teenage life I was taught that there ARE right and wrong in life. I didn't understand it at that time because as a teenager boy, it’s like saying there are no wrongs to murder someone. That doesn’t make sense. So I talked to my family about it, and they explained to me, but I still wasn’t completely understood it, because as I said before, it’s like saying there are no wrongs to murder someone.

But I choose to read some more because I might understand it better. And YES, murder is WRONG all the way, okay?! Some of it in the books woke me up about the bible has been written a thousand years ago based on a thousand years old culture. The present-day Middle East culture are different from thousand years ago Middle East culture. That made sense to me. I found out the truth about the history of medieval Europe and the church of its time. The medieval churches had a history of having fear-tactics to control people. I found out in middle medieval times, they threaten people to convert to Christian or get killed.

I was confused and wasn’t sure if I should change the way I was thinking. I was scared to change the way I was thinking for a few years. In 2002, I finally gained some confidence in myself. All of my childhood and teenager, I don’t have very strong confidence in myself. I believed that I cannot be myself. I must follow my parents’ way. I re-read Conversations With God Part 1. I decided to be open up myself and be more confident in myself.

I bought more books published by Neale Donald Walsch. The more I read, the more I wasn’t sure of his books because it seems that he thinks that he has all the answers.
I decided to try different books that my Mom bought. The book was published by a different author, Sylvia Browne (1936 – 2013). I like these books and bought a lot and a lot of books. I like her beliefs in new spirituality. I loved it so much that I believed in her books. It was so comforting thoughts for me. I loved it so much.

In about 2004 – 2005, I watched the bible documentary on History channel. One thing makes a point. If Adam and Eve were the first people, then how does Cain got his wife from? The bible doesn’t even say anything about where Cain’s wife come from.

This has been in my thoughts for a long time. Where does Cain’s wife come from? I did re-read and re-read the bible over and over, and it doesn’t even say anything about where Cain’s wife come from.

I’ve noticed in my old bible written in the Contemporary English Version. In Genesis 10:21 “Shem’s descendants had their own languages”. Then in Genesis 11 talk about The Tower of Babel. In Genesis 11:1 “At first everyone spoke the same language”.

Wait. Wait… Does Genesis 10 come before 11? First, the bible says everyone has their own language… Then in Genesis 11 the bible start to talk about the tower of babel states that everyone spoke the same languages? That doesn’t make sense to me.
I decided to quit christianity and join the new spirituality. In 2012, I discovered a new non-christian religion Pagan. I decided to try it out. I join it and made myself a solo-pagan. I have been a solo-pagan for a few years. In 2015, my belief in pagan started to fade and fade and fade.

I no longer feel connect to spiritual world anymore. I tried to research more religion and new spiritually. I feel nothing but I didn’t give up until 2018. I decided to officially become an agnostic!

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